I’ve learned something about myself. I have a hard time asking for help.
I hope that doesn’t make my friends and family to laugh too much - like you’re just realizing this Jackie?!
Obviously, I’ve known this for a while, but I’m just starting to understand why it’s so hard for me. Which, in turn, is helping me get better at asking for help.
In general, I know I’m not alone. I can say this with confidence. Asking for help is hard! In a 2022 article by Stamford social psychologist Xuan Zhao, she said:
We shy away from asking for help because we don’t want to bother other people, assuming that our request will feel like an inconvenience to them. But oftentimes, the opposite is true: People want to make a difference in people’s lives and they feel good – happy even – when they are able to help others.
I agree with this. I don’t like to burden people or feel like an inconvenience. But my gut tells me my trouble with asking for help runs even a layer deeper than this.
I think my underlying issue with asking for help is that it requires me to be direct. If I want help to be helpful, I have to tell people what I want and how I want it.
This is really hard for me.
I’m generally pretty laid back. More often than not, I’m happy going with the flow. I hardly have a strong enough opinion to plan my own birthday, let alone suggest a group activity or decide what’s for dinner. I’ve always wondered if my indifference was truly my personality or a sign that I just don’t know what I want. This is a scary thought sometimes: Am I not confident enough to know what I want?
With life becoming more complicated lately, I find myself needing more help and am confronted by this challenge more often. I’m starting to realize that my personality probably lies somewhere in the middle of indifference and undecided. Because of this, it takes me a lot of trial-and-error to find the way I like things done and identify my boundaries.
Anyway, I can kind of follow the crumb trail to see why asking for help becomes difficult. In my head, it feels like a bigger effort to determine how I want it done, share it with someone, and enforce it when needed, than to simply do it myself. This is a bit perverse. I’m aware…
I recently listened to Andrew Huberman’s interview with Dr. Becky Kennedy, which I referenced in an article previously. They strayed away from the topic of parenting at one point to discuss boundaries. Dr. Kennedy had so many helpful things about boundaries, which she puts at the core of excellent parenting. She made two points in the beginning of the discussion that really stuck with me.
Boundaries are different from making requests, and it is important to distinguish between the two.
Boundaries are actions that we do and require the other person to do nothing.
To break it down. Boundaries are not requests. Asking for help is the request. Boundaries are my “rules” that I ensure are followed - not leaving the fate of my rules in someone else’s hands.
Dr. Kennedy uses the example of kids watching TV. If my boundary is only 30 minutes of TV time before bed, when 30 minutes is up, it’s up to me to make sure that TV time ends. I don’t leave it up to the kids to make sure the TV is off after 30 minutes. If they willingly follow the rule, great (so lucky!). If not, it’s up to me to make sure the TV is off and the remote is taken away.
I’m laughing to myself after summarizing her example because it feels simple and easy.
But this process is SO hard for me!!! Especially when I’m trying to be nice and accommodating, while also trying to respect myself and my boundaries.
Here’s how I think about it.
Finding my boundary - I often do this through trial and error which causes a lot of stress along the way. Here’s a pattern I’ve noticed in my life:
Something didn’t work - why not?
It didn’t work again - why do I keep running into the same issue? *insert getting frustrated with myself*
I find my preference - what is my boundary and how can I hold myself to it?
Asking for help - I don’t want to feel like a burden…even though I know people enjoy being helpful.
Stating my boundary - I don’t like being too rigid, even if I know I want it done one way.
Enforcing my boundary - I don’t like confrontation. I barely wanted to state my boundary the first time :)
I’m still in the beginning stages of working on all this. My strategy so far includes trying to build a tool kit to help guide me through steps 1-4. For example, on finding my boundary, when someone asks me to do something, I sometimes use the phrase “let me get back to you,” which gives me time to think about how I feel (or will feel). I find my boundary and then make a decision based on that, not the other way around.
My goal is to eventually get through steps one through four without any frustration or guilt because it’s so important to me that I’m able to speak up for myself, Jamie, and my family efficiently.
In an effort to get there, I’m doing two things. First, I’m working on building my toolkit. I’m expanding practices and phrases I can use quickly to get me feeling confident quickly. Second, I’m practicing. I’m trying to ask more from my circle around me to be comfortable. Asking for something to be done a certain way isn’t mean. I know that. I just need to practice doing it so I can feel more confident and less timid.
Help me expand my toolkit!
Do you feel similarly when asking for help?
What are other things you do to practice boundary setting?
Do you have any go-to phrases or techniques that work for you?
XO, Jackie
Jackie, I loved this! I’m a Libra rising so harmony is very important to me, which is why I think I sometimes struggle to ask for help! I too don’t want to put someone out or inconvenience them, but I’ve learned that asking for help leads to deeper connections from the people that I trust and lean on 😊
I giggled several time here 😂! I am always here to help (and I love helping - especially when it comes Jamie and organization / means more time with you) 🩵