I have started about four different posts for this week. I even polled some girlfriends on what to talk about. All because I feel I’m in a state of paralysis.
I’m five days away (as I write this) from my 6-month single-versary (in my mind), which also happens to be my half birthday! You’ve read my musings on how dramatic my past relationships have been and how they have not only dragged on for awhile, but also have been legitimately time consuming. These last six months I feel like I’ve really given myself the space to focus on anything I want whenever I want.
I’ve taken two SIA classes, added to my art collection, witnessed a Jamie milestone in person, met new people, worked on my curated (vintage!) wardrobe, visited Cville, cooked more, pushed myself with a new workout routine, been consistent with Mishmosh, and so much more. When I replaced my former Joy Map with a new one post-break up, these were some of the things I listed in my “looking forward” category - my, how accomplished I feel! There are still things listed that I haven’t gotten to yet, but for some reason, I’m not really “looking forward”. I can’t imagine much in my life changing from how it is today. I don’t have that vision for my future just yet.
While I’ve definitely done a lot, I’ve also been very intentional in slowing down the last couple of months. Protecting my social battery, and my sleep hours, has been a priority. My health journey has encouraged me to develop a new routine and be more focused on what I’m putting in my body and how I’m spending my time. I’m definitely not living “in the drama” these days and feel like my life is a little…boring? I’m not hating it, but I’m known to be a doer and don’t want to get too complacent in the comfortable state I have curated for myself.
I wanted to attempt to share on this topic because I realize I often talk in circles about this with myself.
“It’s so great to be comfortable being alone. Being comfortable with yourself will make you the best version of yourself. And when you’re the best version of yourself, you’ll find your partner!”
“So I’m being comfortable with myself to be better when I am with someone else…”
“In focusing on myself, the end game is thinking about who I am when I am a ‘we’?”
“How do I then a ‘we’?”
“I need to be putting myself out there, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing what Tinx would call “business development”. Thus, time to get out there, Gabby!”
Chats like this could go on in my head for hours. One second, I encourage myself to be comfortable in this “bland” time in my life and embrace the mundane. The next second, I feel like I’m not doing my early 30’s justice and that I should be dating more, drinking more, having more “fun”. The argument I have with myself usually ends with me taking Sunny on extra long walks and binging a TV show (currently Never Have I Ever). I seem to get nowhere, but maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be right now?
I think the paralysis I feel in actually doing something and having something to report back on to my friends is my subconscious just telling me I’m not ready. I sent Jackie this Instagram the other day. I don’t think I actually have hyper-independence trauma (I took a couple of online tests to verify this), but it is true - I don’t currently have a crush, I’m not giddy over the idea of finding someone to date, and, despite me writing about relationships almost every week 🙄, dating rarely crosses my mind.
As I’m writing this, I’m mad at myself that the idea of having something to report on back to my friends makes me think it should be centered around dating.
There is nothing I should be reporting on. Being 31 and single doesn’t mean I should be the person with fun, weird, hilarious dating stories to have on hand. Yeah, sure, I wouldn’t mind having those simply because I think experiences in general are fun to share. But my reports back to friends can be about so many things. They can be about anything I want them to be!
And…then I find myself back in a state of paralysis. I just don’t know what I want to push myself to do next. I love Type II fun - embarking on a daunting journey, coming out the other side not only safely and hopefully sane, but a better person for the experience too. These experiences give me a chance to learn new things about myself, force myself to be uncomfortable, reflect on who I was, am and want to be, and share those learnings with friends. Type II fun to me provides a sense of hope, a chance to challenge myself in doing something I had once envisioned myself doing. It’s like a good cry - it sucks in the moment, but I never sleep better than I do have a few hours of sobbing.
I’ve typically been a very impulsive person and thus feel like most of my day-to-day would involve Type II fun, unintentionally. From forgetting something important for the day and having to manage situations with out it (like my phone), to getting a dog and suffering through Type II fun literally every single day with her and loving (and hating) every moment of it.
But, as I’ve mentioned, I’m working on slowing down! I’m trying to think more about what I do with my day, or what I bring with me when I leave the house. Lara - I finally wrote down a list of things to pack when I leave my apartment in the morning for the office! The list sits on my fridge. Only took me about 10 years to actually concede to your advice.
In slowing down, I’m looking farther out on my calendar, planning mindfully, and leaving a few nights a week on my calendar blank. I shouldn’t pressure myself to do things just to have something to talk about. Experiences should be fulfilling and honestly, great experiences should be rare.
The alternative and holistic practitioner I’m working with during my health journey told me something that happens to your body when you fly. I can’t remember what it is and what I should be mindful of, but that’s not the point here. Our conversation about travel is one I keep thinking about. I told her I don’t travel that often - I’m on a plane maybe once a month; these days it’s more like once ever two-three months. She balked. She said she flies maybe once a year.
The act of traveling is so normal to me, and I know many of you readers, since you’re my loyal and supportive friends. But to so many people in the world, traveling and getting on a plane is a rare experience, or an incredible luxury.
I don’t write this to make any of us feel bad about how lucky we are to get to travel so often and that a flight is par for the course these days. But rather to share that 1. an every day (week or month) normality can be seen as something really special to someone else and 2. you can’t really get everything you should out of a rare/unique experience if you’re embarking on them all the time. You need to give your body and mind time to adjust to the new things you’ve learned about yourself after an experience, let it be a break up, a physical move, a spiritual trip, etc. It’s like starting a new job - I always tell people you don’t actually know what the job is and are somewhat settled until about nine months in.
I charged on after my break up into a million new experiences. I had a ton of epiphanies, feel like I could’ve written some of Taylor Swift’s new album myself, and took a chance on being alone at an age when many are scared to. Six months in, I’m very comfortable with this life I have built recently. I was going to say I haven’t cried much recently, but that would be a lie (flash back to about a month ago when I cried almost four hours straight on a flight to a trip and cried the whole way home from that trip. Crying on each flight was for totally different reasons, and the flight home was next to a cute boy too…blew that for sure).
That said, I am making good on some promises I have shared in Mishmosh and on my Joy Map and I can’t wait to see who I am on the other side of those experiences. Thanks for always listening to me babble as I continue to learn new things about myself and document it for the world to read!